Literary Gibberish

A few months back, Jonathan Miles published a quirky, popular title called Dear American Airlines. Frankly, I did not enjoy it – maybe it was my mood that week – but the opening is instructive in describing how I feel about Comcast Communications this fine day. As I try to keep this blog reasonably family oriented¹ I can’t actually publish here most of the first several pages of either Dear American Airlines, or my thoughts, dreams and wishes for the upper echelons of Comcast’s management. Suffice it to say that my feelings (and those of Miles’ protagonist) are expletive laden screeds worthy of the most dire Biblical prophet in calling down doom upon incompetent nincompoops down through the third generation.

In brief, we tried to downgrade our cable television service to the most basic package at the end of July. The first time, our Internet service got knocked out and the cable channels remained. When we got the SEPTEMBER cable bill still being charged at the higher rate, I again called to downgrade cable service. Yesterday the tech came to our house, downgraded our cable service, and apparently knocked out our Internet again.

I’m convinced this is some sort of practical joke the good folks at Comcast play on their customers with the temerity not to pay for the high dollar digital package with HBO, Showtime and dozens of other channels that broadcast the same three movies constantly for three-week stretches. I mean, why pony up for 340 channels of dreck when a mere 26 will do?

Suffice it to say, the issue is still not resolved. We are currently scheduled to wait for a tech to come to our home between the hours of 8:30 and 11 AM tomorrow. My unanswered question – ok, one of many – to Comcast was why do we have to be there for a tech to come fix something he broke on an initial visit that did not require our presence? The whole experience has been so frustrating that after spending my second hour on the phone last night I finally informed the dull-witted goon who was “assisting” me that I wished to cancel all services with the company. His response? ² “I’m sorry sir, if you want to cancel your services you’ll have to call back tomorrow when that department is open.”

Dear Comcast Communications,

I would like to suggest that in the future you …[CENSORED]…and I hope that you will
[CENSORED]… in the meantime, your management should consider [CENSORED] and I hope that barnyard animals [CENSORED] … In closing, may cannibals [CENSORED] your [CENSORED] while dancing happily on the ruins of your corporate offices as they slurp turtle soup from Bill Slowsky’s blackened shell. I think what I’m trying to say is – you suck,

Sincerely,
Me

^{1 Disney porn notwithstanding, of course
2 After several more delightful minutes of on-hold music}