Dear Comcast Communications,

A few months back, Jonathan Miles published a quirky, popular title called Dear American Airlines. Frankly, I did not enjoy it – maybe it was my mood that week – but the opening is instructive in describing how I feel about Comcast Communications this fine day. As I try to keep this blog reasonably family oriented1 I can’t actually publish here most of the first several pages of either Dear American Airlines, or my thoughts, dreams and wishes for the upper echelons of Comcast’s management. Suffice it to say that my feelings (and those of Miles’ protagonist) are expletive laden screeds worthy of the most dire Biblical prophet in calling down doom upon incompetent nincompoops down through the third generation.

In brief, we tried to downgrade our cable television service to the most basic package at the end of July. The first time, our Internet service got knocked out and the cable channels remained. When we got the SEPTEMBER cable bill still being charged at the higher rate, I again called to downgrade cable service. Yesterday the tech came to our house, downgraded our cable service, and apparently knocked out our Internet again.

I’m convinced this is some sort of practical joke the good folks at Comcast play on their customers with the temerity not to pay for the high dollar digital package with HBO, Showtime and dozens of other channels that broadcast the same three movies constantly for three-week stretches. I mean, why pony up for 340 channels of dreck when a mere 26 will do?

Suffice it to say, the issue is still not resolved. We are currently scheduled to wait for a tech to come to our home between the hours of 8:30 and 11 AM tomorrow. My unanswered question – ok, one of many – to Comcast was why do we have to be there for a tech to come fix something he broke on an initial visit that did not require our presence? The whole experience has been so frustrating that after spending my second hour on the phone last night I finally informed the dull-witted goon who was “assisting” me that I wished to cancel all services with the company. His response? 2 “I’m sorry sir, if you want to cancel your services you’ll have to call back tomorrow when that department is open.”

Dear Comcast Communications,

I would like to suggest that in the future you …[CENSORED]…and I hope that you will
[CENSORED]… in the meantime, your management should consider [CENSORED] and I hope that barnyard animals [CENSORED] … In closing, may cannibals [CENSORED] your [CENSORED] while dancing happily on the ruins of your corporate offices as they slurp turtle soup from Bill Slowsky’s blackened shell. I think what I’m trying to say is – you suck,


1 Disney porn notwithstanding, of course
2 After several more delightful minutes of on-hold music

10 Responses to “Dear Comcast Communications,”

  1. Katie Says:

    wow, i read this entry on the right day. i don’t think it’s any surprise that i actually love the slowsky commercials, i think they’re hilarious and i’ve thought about buying some of the t-shirts and mugs that you can get of bill slowsky & slogan (ohdoyouhavecomcastcauseit’sfaster!). but today one of my friends told me that comcast has decided that starting in april, at least here in boston, they will bill you based on how much time you spend on the internet. no joke. i’m really angry about it. thanks for also hating them today…although, i have to say, so far, i like them a lot more than those time warner b…lokes.

  2. Melissa M. Says:

    Hello Conan.

    I’m sorry you are having difficulties in trying to downgrade your services. If you would like my assistance in making sure this is resolved to your satisfaction, please email me at My team would be more than happy to assist.

    Kind Regards,
    Melissa M.
    Comcast Customer Connect
    National Customer Operations

  3. walter Says:

    Hello Conan,

    I’m sorry you are having difficulties in trying to downgrade your services. It appears one of our noble legion did not inform you of our plan for total global domination, via mind- control transmitting chips planted inside the customer’s home, thus necessitating the visit, in person, of one of our minio… er, digital support technicians. Help us help you, Conan, and your future with Comglomerate Globunational Enterprises will be as bright and shining as a television screen displaying Skin-O-Maxxx at three o’clock in the morning. Should you require further assistance or clarification, please email me at We_Control_Your_Mind@cge.hahaha. My team would be more than happy to assist.

    Kind Regards,
    Customer Enforcement
    Comglomerate Globunational Enterprises

  4. walter Says:

    You should post the last protion of this as a sort of adult mad-libs, allowing your dear readers to fill in those [CENSORED] blanks as they see fit!

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